statement

I started working on this album in 2020 in a homeless shelter before the pandemic hit. I was just coming out of a downward mental spiral after leaving an abusive home I had been living in. I had just started therapy at the time so this album became a part of my healing. I didn’t even want to release it until I was at that place. It became a representation of everything I was struggling through. Depression, anxiety, fear. Fear of having to destroy myself. I’m so happy I feel finally at that place. A place where I don’t feel I need this album as a tool to make it through everyday life. I can make it on my own.

“ So I remember the face of every man who put me here”- Nina Simone

I’m not making this statement cause of the reasons previously listed tho. I’m making this statement because on the album I’m addressing being falsely accused of sexual assault on last year. It sent me mentally spiraling. The day it happened I remember not being able to eat til 10 PM. For the past year I’ve been on up and down tailspins just being lost in this shit. Breaking down at work, crying myself to sleep, staying inside my apartment not wanting to leave. Anxiety attacks. Which I’ve been having all this week once I decided I’m going to put out this statement. I keep feeling like I’m going to vomit. This morning I woke up and my heart was pounding so hard I thought I was goiong to have a heart attack

“I’ve seen my light come shining”

But freedom is on the other side of fear. I’ll be honest I’m not doing this for you, I don’t expect any of you to believe me at this point. I’m doing this cause I realized the mental spirals are cause I didn’t really address the shit. I wanted to protect the person. I wanted this to be resolved privately and not cause I was afraid of anything I did becoming public. but because I didn’t want to tear them down. And I don’t expect you to believe me (even tho I can post the screenshots that prove it, have people come forward who were like yeah)

And at this point I know you niggas are vultures. I’ve tried for a year privately for this to be resolved. I actually pushed the album back in hopes this would be resolved by the time it comes out just cause it feels gross to address it with that. And so many people have tried to resolve it and gave up cause they got exhausted. There’s been a group trying since January to resolve this (I also told them about the album last month) They were hoping this would be done in January. I thought about putting a statement out in January.

But I waited

“If you really love me won’t you tell me”- Stevie Wonder

The hardest thing about Christian’s death for me is when I remember asking a friend “ part of me feels like if I killed myself would this stop?”. I remember not being able to move for hours when this happened and this is why I feel so afraid cause I know you all just might attack me again. And I’m NOT doing this cause I want you to attack the person who accused me. EVEN THO I DO WANT THIS TO BE RESOLVED (I still have some faith in the group trying to resolve it, they don’t know I’m doing this). I’m doing this cause I’m moving on with my life.

And I can’t move on until I address this. I didn’t tell the people I love most cause I knew they would try to stop me. And to all the people who supported me in this thank you. And I know a lot of people will probably think this was last year move on. Ya’ll moved on. I can’t. I’m still mentally there. And I’m ready to be free. I spent so many hours sobbing at work, at home

“No one knows my struggle

They only see the trouble

Not knowing it’s hard to

Carry on when no one loves you” — Tupac

And I know what this means I might have to leave the space cause I don’t expect ya’ll to believe me and that means losing the rest of the people after everyone else I lost. And that breaks my heart but I’m at the point I love myself more than I love you, all of you and if I can’t be here anymore I’ll just have to accept that. I mean I haven’t felt loved, cared for or cherished in this space for a year and I’m already banned from Jersey spaces. I’ve tried to make myself leave multiple times. I keep thinking of the Nina Simone quote “You’ve got to learn to leave the table when love’s no longer being served”. This is probably the closest I’ve been to leaving the space. The emotional stress was part of me losing my job (got another one now). I’ve been a shell of myself for a year and I finally feel free and I am moving on. And I know some people might think “why not just not talk about it on the album” well then the album would feel pointless and I would feel like a fraud to not address on an album about mental health an event that changed my life. And I know I can handle you all hating me but I can’t and won’t accept hating myself.

“You know they whipped us nigga how you afraid to rap”- Noname

And to the group who I was part of initially if you think your going to gaslight, attack and bully me you won’t. Or I’ll post every message I have with every person who tried to resolve this. Someone I used to respect said I was given a gift and in return I’m giving some gifts too I’m not posting everything I have to tear these people down like you goofy motherfuckers in this space love to do. And I’m not calling the person out who accused me by name even tho there’s sure as fuck a statement that mentions my name. And let me say this as a space you motherfuckers are disgusting with these public attacks to destroy each other it’s pathetic and shameful, I feel gross doing this and I’m still trying to do this in the least attacking way as possible.

I’m done being your abuser

I’m done being your predator

I’m done being your r*pist

let me simplify this for you

I’m done being your nigger

This is the music of my liberation and I know now liberation is only given if you take it.

Thank you so much to God and my ancestors cause I know I wouldn’t be strong enough on my own. And to everyone who supported me I love you and value your opinion but remember this happened to me not you.

“If you want me to stay I’ll be around today to be available for you to see” -Sly Stone

“I shall be released”- Nina

“But this for peace Nah this for me”- me