Speech for Mom 2–12–2021 by Justin Pines

Happy birthday Mom. I was gonna say happy birthday to my old earth cause when you left I lost my world. For a long time I was so lonely. One of the Tupac lines that stuck with me the most throughout my life was “no one knows my struggle they only see the trouble, not knowing it’s hard to carry on when no one loves you”. Until last year I wore those words everywhere I went like a tattoo.

When a friend’s family threw me out and forced me to throw your stuff out and sent me to live with my uncle in a environment they knew would be worse. When the friend’s grandmother said to me I could use the address for school but “If you get in trouble and police come I’ll tell them you stole it”. I’m reminded of the line.

For so long I just wanted to show the world my beauty, my intellect, my warmth, my heart, my love and all I felt was the rejection. Black boys aren’t angry we’re in unimaginable agony. Anger is just the only outlet toxic masculinity allows us to see. I think I have survivor’s guilt. Well I know I have survivor’s guilt but because of the recognition from my work in the movement it’s turned into other things. It went from me blaming myself for your death to thoughts of why am I here and so many black boys aren’t.

So many black boys will never be recognized for their potential. They will only be seen as the suffering they carry. The trauma they inflicted on others because they couldn’t deal with their own because they weren’t given the tools. I’ll never forget laying on a bench in front of my high school begging God to kill me. I still can feel how intensely I cried. How I whisper screamed “Please just kill me”. I begged with all I had for God to just let me die. And part of the agony was knowing he wasn’t going to. So I knew I was going to have to do it myself.

That’s when I started planning my suicide. I was going to wait til after prom to at least let myself enjoy one last thing. When I told the friend who I lived with’s mother I still remember her laughing and how she said “your not suicidal”. I remember being diminished. Another brick for my home of loneliness. I needed comfort. To feel loved. Not for my emotions to be seen as a joke. But back to the home of loneliness.

I spent 23 years trying to get out. All the women who raised me aren’t here anymore. You, Grandma and Aunt Ruby. All the women who made me who I am. Gone. The loneliness that comes from that can feel unbearable. Crushing. Right now I’m listening to Maxwell’s Ascension and whenever I hear the hook I think of the 3 of you. “Shouldn’t I realize your the highest of the high and if you don’t know then I’ll see you so don’t ever wonder”. There was one woman who I held in the same regard as the three of you but we’re over. So it goes. I told her being with her made me feel like you were still alive. Another brick.

I love you with everything I am because you are everything I am. I thank you for the strength you gave me. You were a black disabled woman but you never let your trauma define you.

My superpower is no matter what I keep moving. You gave me that. You gave me so much. You gave me your humor, your shit talking. You also gave me ass whoopings but we’ll let that go. My hope for the future comes from the trauma of my past.

Maybe I love so hard to make up for the love I can’t give you anymore. Whenever I heard the song “Band of Gold” by Freda Payne it reminds me of how this loss feels.

“Now that your gone

All that’s left is

A band of gold

All that’s left are

The dreams I hold

It’s a band of gold

And the memories

Of what love could be

If you were still here with me”

It breaks my heart to not be able to give you the life you deserved. For a lot of black boys we wanted to give our mothers the love our fathers never did and I was no exception. I’m fiercely protective of the women in my life cause no one was there to protect you. For so long all I had was you. My father never came to any of my birthdays.

I remember it was me and you in a small ass apartment with one chocolate cupcake with a candle and I remember I wanted more. Now I just want that. As I get bigger and more recognized… The more I become the world’s I’ll always be yours. You know I dream cause this can’t be life.

I started crying intensely cause I had a thought that no speech I say will ever bring you back. I’m shocked at the platform I have now. It can be a lot seeing how much people believe in you. For so long being off beat as shit and people always critiquing my music put such a fight in me that getting standing ovations for speeches can be shocking for me.

For so long I ran from my power. Now I’m embracing it. Thank you for always living in yours.

If it wasn’t for black women I wouldn’t be here. Black women gave me all the strength I have. I pray to never forget your voice. It wasn’t until last year that I found a family where I didn’t feel alone anymore. It feels like home. The difference between my uncle and me is he is trapped in the idea that the past is all there is. To him the future is dead. With me the future is all there is.

The past is a memory and life can’t be a memory because then why are you alive?

Everywhere I go I carry you. Every playlist I make one of my comrades I’m really sharing a piece of you. Every joke is a piece of you. An umbilical cord was just the physical thing holding us together. No matter how much I tried to run from you I could never get far. I guess I’ll always be your baby like Mariah Carey.

And “you are my angel, my darling angel closer than my peeps you are to me baby. Shawty your my angel your my darling angel. Girl your my friend when I’m in need baby”.

I know we never die and our spirits are eternal and wherever I am you are and wherever you are is home. And I’m sure there’s a lot of moments you’ve gone “Man this nigga”. And I just want to say THIS NIGGA IS YOU.

Tomorrow I’ma be drinking in the city with comrades and when I see em I’ma say to them the last words you ever said to me and my uncle “I love you guys”. Your love like your life is eternal. Thank you for making me and loving a black boy not all of us can say they had that. And I’ma spend the rest of my life loving every single person cause if not then why the fuck are we here?

“You know what I’m saying”- Toni Michelle Pines ( February 13, 1959- September 1st, 2013)

THROW YOUR HANDS IN THE SKY
IF YOU FEEL THE VIBE
EVERY TIME I SPEAK
MY MOM IS STILL ALIVE